Tasmanian children's writer and dramatist

Starring

A VOICE COMES OVER THE PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM: Good morning school Just a few announcements today before you start on lessons. Rubbish has been finding it's way out of the bins and into the grounds and everyone would like to see this trend reversed. Could all winter sports' uniforms be returned to the storeroom by Wednesday at the latest, please. Cream buns are off the canteen menu today - something went wrong at the factory. And, finally, anyone interested in trying out for a part in a play written by our very own Mr Chen is asked to meet him in the hall at 12.30. Thank you everyone.

THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS JIM PRETENDS HE'S A CLOCK, HIS LEFT HAND MOVES AROUND TO THE HALF PAST MARK. HE SAYS 'TING'. HE EXITS. KYLIE, SARAH AND JASON ARE WAITING FOR THE AUDITION TO START.

MR CHEN (ENTERING): Only three. I was hoping for more enthusiasm for this project.

KYLIE: I'm here, Mr Chen.

SARAH: And me.

JASON QUIETLY PUTS HIS HAND UP.

BOTH GIRLS: And him!

KYLIE: Jason Weir.

SARAH: Jason Weird; the show off, the big noter, the big twit.

KYLIE: Right on, sister.

THEY SLAP HANDS.

MR CHEN: Girls! I was hoping for a larger turn out because I wrote this piece for a larger cast.

KYLIE: Oh, Mr Chen, you're so clever. You're such a wonderful teacher. You write such wonderful plays. I don't know if anyone has ever mentioned it to you but I'm actually a professional actress. I was in a very prestigious advertisement some years back, ago. I don't like to brag about my achievements. ....

SARAH: Only every second of every interminable day.

KYLIE: Just, Mr Chen, that I am - even though I'm more used to working in grander surroundings than present - happy to star for you in your play.

SARAH: (MIMICKING KYLIE) 'Happy to star for you in your play.' You, you're not going to be the star, Kylie!

MR CHEN: Girls! Please!

SARAH: Sorry, Mr Chen.

MR CHEN: Now if all of you don't mind just quietly chatting among yourselves we might just wait a few minutes to see if anyone else turns up. We're a little bit early anyway.

MR CHEN STARTS TO STUDY HIS SCRIPT.

KYLIE: But it has to be moi! Who else is there? And, besides, aside from the advertisement (which of course I wasn't going to mention) I was also the lead in a recent dramatisation of Little Bo Peep. I made an absolutely wonderful shepherdess. The definitive Bo, absolutely everyone said so.

SARAH: Not me.

KYLIE: 'Sheep, sheep, wherefore art thou sheep.' My audience was weeping.

SARAH: In despair.

JIM COMES THROUGH BOUNCING HIS BASKETBALL.

MR CHEN: (LOOKING UP FROM HIS SCRIPT) Jim, not in the hall.

JIM: Theatre people, so precious!

HE CONTINUES HIS WAY OUT THE OTHER SIDE.

SARAH: I should be the star. I made a truly memorable Mary in the Sunday School Nativity Play. Non-believers became Christians afterwards. A Mary never to be forgotten, Mum reckoned, and she should know because she's a drama teacher at Rushdon College (I'll be going on there after grade six, of course) and Rushdon has a trés grand reputation in the drama area.

KYLIE: Mary just has to sit there and look stupidly serene. That's all she ever has to do.

SARAH: I did not.

KYLIE: Did so. I bet the audience went to sleep watching you.

MR CHEN: Kylie! Sarah! Quieter! Please!

SARAH: Sorry, Mr Chen. Actually, Kylie, I was written up in the Church Times. My interpretation of the role was commented on. 'Oh, Joe, look, look here at our wunnerful little baby. Isn't he bewdiful?' I did it with an accent (accents are one of the hardest things for an actress to do well, only a true star can pull it off) because Jesus and so on were foreigners of some sort.

KYLIE: That accent is embarrassing and your interpretation of character so unsubtle, I blush for you.

SARAH: Yes, you do have an unfortunate complexion, Kylie. Not a good character trait for someone who hopes to be an actress, even if it is only for the supporting roles you're so obviously destined for. And that song I made up and did without telling anyone. Mrs Beecham said something should be done about me. 'Oh my baby is a babe, he won't have to live in a cave, because I love him so-so-sooooo! Jesus my child, I am wild, about you-who-who-who.'

KYLIE: Pity my ears.

SARAH: Yes, I do pity your ears (as well as your skin tones!) They're certainly a lot bigger than you'd put on your Christmas wish list whereas mine are what several experts have called petite and well formed.

KYLIE: What experts?

SARAH: Ear experts, Kylie.

KYLIE: Well, I don't like to bring this up again because I don't want to seem to be big-noting myself but I have to remind you that I am the one here with a professional credit.

SARAH: You were in an ad for disposable nappies when you were a baby. That hardly counts.

KYLIE: I had natural presence and understanding and feeling for the camera even as a young child unlike you, you rank amateur!

MR CHEN: Kylie!

SARAH: I can't believe anyone is more big-headed than you, Kylie.

JASON: A-hum.

SARAH: I may have to amend that last statement.

JASON: Actually I've got something to say.

KYLIE: (MIMICKING) 'Actually I've got something to say.' Well say it and nick off and stop wasting our precious time, Jason Weir, you weirdo. We're trying to decide who is going to star in the premier of Mr Chen's wonderful new play and when I get the role I want to have plenty of time to get my part down.

JASON: A-hum.

KYLIE: If you're choking to death, Jason, you absolute creep, don't expect me to give you the kiss of life.

SARAH: Right on, sister.

THEY SLAP HANDS.

JASON: I'm coughing because you're both wrong about who is going to be the star of this play.

KYLIE: Yeah who says?

JASON: I says.

KYLIE: You says, who is you to say anything about the theatre!

JASON: Since you're asking let me tell you that last year, at my previous school, I was part of what no-one could deny was an end of year triumph. A play, a masterwork, called The Final Kick.

SARAH: Hopefully right up your snooty ....

MR CHEN: Sarah!

KYLIE: Right on, sister. His big, smug ar ....

MR CHEN: Kylie!

JIM COMES BACK ON HITTING A TENNIS BALL WITH HIS RACQUET.

MR CHEN: Jim! .... I've already told you, not inside.

JIM: That was about bouncing my basketball.

MR CHEN: Outside!

JIM: Theatre people, so precious, so over-the-top.

MR CHEN: Go!

JIM: I am, I am. I wouldn't want to be in here with you anyway.

JIM EXITS.

SARAH: Well tell us about your brilliant play then, you alleged genius. Only hope your head doesn't swell so much it explodes.

SARAH: No, I hope it does swell so much it does explode.

KYLIE: Right on, sister.

THEY SLAP HANDS.

MR CHEN: Girls!

JASON: The Final Kick, a monodrama (that means it only has one actor for you ignorant masses) by a brilliant playwright, me, and starring a brilliant actor, me, directed by ....

SARAH: You!

JASON: Well, yes.

SARAH: Why doesn't that surprise me!

JASON: I subscribe to the auteur theory of theatre and felt that with such a sensitive work I needed to be in control. My father had the show professionally video taped in case I decide to go into theatre when I start my glittering adult life. I have to chose between that and becoming a doctor so I can cure the world of ills.

SARAH AND KYLIE MIME VOMITING>

JASON: (IGNORING) I'll lend you the tape some time.

SARAH: Can hardly wait. ...Not!

JASON: I directed because everyone felt that only I - the author - could come to terms with the intricacies and intelligence of my script.

SARAH: And it was a .... 'monodrama' cos no-one else was stupid enough to agree to go into your stupid play.

MR CHEN: Sarah!

SARAH: Sorry, Mr Chen.

JASON: The Final Kick by Jason Weir, me. I played Troy Trognel ....

KYLIE: what a stupid name.

JASON: from the tiny country town of Hugget.

SARAH: Another stupid name.

KYLIE: Right on, sister.

SLAP HANDS.

MR CHEN: Girls!

SARAH: Sorry, Mr Chen.

JASON (CONTINUING): I've just been roused from my sickbed where I was hovering between life and death ....

SARAH: Pity someone wasn't there to push ....

MR CHEN: Girls!

JASON: because the Hugget team needed me as they competed in the grand final against their arch rivals, Black Hills. The scoreline was seesawing right through the game ... first we're ahead, then the Hills, us, the Hills, us, the Hills .... until just before the final whistle when the Hills full forward, a big, dirty player by the name of Barry Bleen, fouls our youngest player and kicks a goal to put the Hills five points ahead. Five points, Hugget is five points behind and the seconds are ticking away. I steal the ball from the bounce, swerve round one player, two players, three, moving like a gazelle, so graceful, so brilliant, but Barry Bleen brings me down on the left wing with a fearsome, filthy foul stranglehold round my brave neck.

KYLIE: Bit of tortured there, Jason.

JASON: The umpire awards me a free kick but there are only a few seconds to go. The goal, from an impossible angle and an impossible distance, will give us an amazing win and bring back hope to the team and the home town which has been going through desperate times.

KYLIE: Desperate because they've got you living there.

SARAH: Quiet. This is getting good.

MR CHEN IS LISTENING TOO.

KYLIE: What ...?

JASON: I hold the ball, carefully measuring the distance. Everyone, everyone is watching. Cars stop moving in the street and birds stop flying through the air and ....

SARAH: Yes, Jason?

JASON: .... and the wind dies. There is absolute silence. Absolute, I begin to tremble. Oh, no, it is my illness, a return of my life threatening illness now threatening to rob the team of this much needed victory. 'Troy, Troy, Troy' yell the crowds, willing me on. Their encouragement pulls me back from the brink of the abyss.

KYLIE: Abyss, abyss, oh what a super word, Jason. You must have been eating dictionaries.

SARAH: Shush, Kylie. Not that I don't agree but it's not a bad story.

KYLIE: You've gone mushy in the head, Sarah.

THE TENNIS BALL COMES ROLLING BACK IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION TO WHICH JIM EXITED. JIM FOLLOWS.

MR CHEN POINTS OUT.

JIM: I was just chasing the ball, Mr Chen. I wouldn't want to be polluted by these over-the-top, acting-type theatre people with their stupid airs, there 'darlings this' and 'sweethearts that'. Sickening.

MR CHEN: Go!

JIM GOES.

JASON: To continue.

KYLIE: I can hardly wait.

JASON: They - the crowd - falls silent. I pull myself up straight. I am pale, tall, magnificent. I brush my lovely long blond locks from my face (I used a blond wig for the performance, I felt that it helped me find my character) and moved back to my mark. No way, there's no way on Earth that a mere mortal could make this shot from this angle, no way. But Troy Trognel, me, is no mere mortal, I am a legend.

KYLIE: I wish this would end.

SARAH: Hush, Kylie.

KYLIE: You're defending him so much I'm beginning to suspect something.

SARAH: Shut up.

MR CHEN: Sarah!

JASON: I line up the shot, I move in .... it's impossible no-one could make this kick ... one step, two, three. I drop the ball onto my foot, my wrong left foot, and it - the ball - flies through the air ... expectant hush ....

KYLIE: Boring.

SARAH: Hush.

KYLIE: And you're boring too!

JASON: The ball tumbles through the air towards the goal mouth but then, oh no!, it seems as though it will hit the post and score only be a point for Hugget when Hugget needs a goal, the full six points, to secure the game and its pride. No, no, no! The crowd wills the ball round. Time has stopped. No-one is breathing ....

KYLIE: They've all died of boredom.

SARAH: For the last time, hush. Go on, Troy ... um, Jason.

JASON: Towards the post, the post, the post and, if it hits, everyone falls into the brink - despair, loss, misery!

KYLIE: Just how did you do this, Jason. Just how did you convey all this on stage?

SARAH: Hush, Kylie.

KYLIE: No, I won't hush. I want to know how Jason Weirdo did all this oh-so-slow, will it?/won't it? nonsense. I don't believe him.

SARAH: Hush.

JASON: Towards the post. Everyone is in despair, no-one can watch. A point, only a point. But then ....

KYLIE: Of course there has to be a 'but then'!!!

SARAH: Hush!

JASON: But then, at the very last second, the ball bends and sails through the posts, a magnificent goal, a life affirming, magnificent, impossible goal. I fall to the ground and die and am carried off while all the world weeps. I was magnificent in death. Brave, calm, modest, handsome. And, I should inform you that in the back story I, or rather my character Troy, as well as being athletically brilliant, also took over the lead role when the principal dancer for the Australian ballet couldn't take to the stage when the ballet came to Hugget. Brave, modest, brilliant and graceful. And I was Troy. And that's why it has to be me who is the star of this new work. By the way, Mr Chen, I'm sure you won't take it amiss if I offer my services as a dramaturge to help refine your brilliant script. A dramaturge, Kylie, Sarah, is a script doctor, someone who can see where things have gone wrong and can help put them right.

KYLIE: What a load of rotten old fish, Jason. Anyone who can tell such a load of rotten old fish like The Final Kick doesn't deserve to be the star of Mr Chen's new play. Mr Chen's work needs an artiste, like me. So go put your head in a marathon runner's sock and inhale deeply, Jason.

JASON: You go and put your head in a saucepan and boil it on a stove, Kylie.

MR CHEN: Students, students, please.

KYLIE: Oops, sorry, Mr Chen. I think we forgot you were there.

MR CHEN: Actually, you can all be stars.

JASON: All of us. How, Mr Chen?

MR CHEN: Well, Jason, my new play is called The Night Sky.

SARAH: Sorry?

MR CHEN: The Night Sky. It's about the heavens, for National Astronomy Week. So, you can all be comets or asteroids or satellites, or, if you like, stars.

KYLIE, SARAH & JASON: An ensemble. Mr Chen, you're brilliant.

MR CHEN: Well, who'll do it?

KYLIE: In.

SARAH: In.

JASON: And me too.

THE THREE STARS SLAP HANDS AND GO INTO THE SONG TWINKLE, TWINKLE ....

KYLIE (SINGING): Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

SARAH: You may be a little star, Kylie, I'm a great big genuine one.

MR CHEN: Sarah!

JASON (SINGING): How I wonder what you are.

KYLIE: A great big boofhead is what you are.

SARAH: Right on, sister.

MR CHEN: Girls!

ALL (SINGING): Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky.

JASON: I'm diamond, you two are great big ugly lumps of coal.

MR CHEN: Jason!

ALL (SINGING): Twinkle, twinkle, little star, ....

JIM (ENTERING TO SING): Theatre folk are so la-de-dah.

KYLIE: Jim, you can sing.

MR CHEN: Would you like to be a star, Jim?

JIM: The star, Mr Chen?

MR CHEN: A star.

JIM CONSIDERS.

JIM: Oh, okay. I've always wanted to be a theatre person too.

THEY LIFT HIM TO THEIR SHOULDERS, THEN HE JUMPS DOWN AND EVERYONE TAKES THEIR BOWS.